A Study of Kudo Shinichi
by regterdrache
Summary: He contemplated the potentials of his own genius intellect and strong charisma (-or, Why Kudo Shinichi clung to his strong morals stubbornly)


"Good work as always, Kudo-kun", Inspector Megure said as they wrapped up another serial killer case, one that spread to all of Japan.

"Thank you for the compliment Inspector, you're too kind", Shinichi said modestly.

"What are we, chopped liver?", Hattori grumbled, crossing his arms indignantly.

"Heiji!", Toyama-san screeched indignantly at her childhood friend slash boyfriend.

An arm slung itself onto Hattori's shoulder. "Chill man, no one could forget about you and that hothead of yours", Kuroba-the former thief who now work at Starlight Detective Agency as their partner-snickered.

"True to that", Hakuba, the ever serius british detective, agreed with a severe look, but Shinichi's trained eyes could detect hints of laughter in his eyes.

"Hey!!", Hattori yelled. "I take offense to that!"

"They kind of had a point there, Hattori", Shinichi joined in on the fun.

Hattori shot him the Betrayed Look Number 4-'How Could You Do This To your Best Friend'. "Et tu brute? I thought we were best friend!!", he exclaimed.

"We were and we are. This is what being my best friend entails", he said imperiously. He could hear the others-Ran, Sera-san, Sonoko, The Detective Boys(minus Conan of course), Haibara, The Professor and their parents-laughing somewhere behind them.

"Maybe I should change best friend?" Hattori mumbled. Shinichi just slapped his arm playfully at him.

"That was an amazing save back there though, Shinichi", Rand said , smiling sweetly at him. The two of them had tried dating after the whole Conan fiasco was over, but it was useless, they saw each other more as siblings due to the time they spent under the same and mutually decided to break up.

"I still can't believe you actually saved a lunatic like that though, he even tried to kill you after you saved him!!" Sonoko fumed.

"Well I just can't forgive myself if I actually let him die just like that", he said firmly. "Even lunatic serial killers deserved to live."

"Oh~My baby is as kind as ever", Mom giggled, hugging Dad's arm tighter.

"Hmph, as much as I hate to admit it, the Kudo kid is good person if nothing else", Kogoro-jiisan said huffily.

"Anata!", Eri-san scolded.

Shinichi, hearing his statement, stopped short on the sidewalk. "A good person, huh?", he smiled bitterly.

"Kudo?", Kuroba, seeing the bitter smile, frowned-a foreign emotion on his always jovial face.

"I'm a good person only because I have to", he elaborated.

"Because you...have to? What nonsense are you talking about Kudo-kun?", Haibara inquired, an inexplicable sinking feeling growing in her stomach.

"When I was a kid," he said, avoiding the question, "I always observed a lot of things."

"It started with animals at first. Being rather interested in detectives, I always tried observing the things around me. It was hard at first, being a child and thus inevitably hindered by short attention span, but it got better. Soon enough, I can tell where the animal had gone, where they were going, what injuries they had, etc. Observing animals got boring, so I started on observing people instead when I turned 7", He paused to take a breath.

He continued where he left off, "Observing people was more chalenging compared to observing animals. People have emotions, personality, outside influences that I need to take account. The things I could tell from observances started small, what things they had eaten, where they were going, things like that. But...it escalated."

The sinking feeling in Haibara's gut was growing.

"I started becoming able to tell what kind of people they were, how they would react in a so-and-so situation and so on and so forth. I started having headaches. I was ten at the time. A few weeks after I first got headaches, it happened." Shinichi paused again.

"I know I'm gonna regret asking this, but...what happened?" Sera-san asked.

"I was at the park. There, I saw a couple. They were all lovey dovey and it was embarrasing. I swear, they were worse than my parents and you know how bad my parents could get. But...at the same time, I got a...premonition? No, more like a _prediction. It was from small things like the way the man's eyes looked, what he smelled like, how he moved. But in my mind all of those small things added up in my head, forming a prediction; The man would kill the woman." He took a breather again._

"I had stopped dead in my tracks the moment the unconcious prediction registered in my mind. I was staring at them unabashedly in wide-eyed disbelief. I was torn between telling someone and dismissing it as my imagination. Seeing the still oblivous lovey dovey couple, I dsmissed the notion as my imagination or maybe I wasn't thinking straight because of my constant headache. A few days after that though, there they were, on the front page of the newspaper, depicting how the man had killed the woman for her insurance money. It was one solved by my father no less, so there was no mistaking it."

Shinichi observed the others' reaction. Some had disbelief written on their faces, while others was staring at him in a mixture of awe and fascination.

He continued,"I was shocked and a little guilty. After all, I had just correctly predicted someone's murder, but didn't do anything. I knew deep down that no one would have believed me though. After that, it started happening more often. My headaches intensified. All around me, I could see people who would kill, out jealousy, grudge, money, with poisons, knives, guns, the reason and murder weapon varies. And I could see, predict, all of it before it even happened. And I was always correct, I checked."

He sighed, remembering those days filled with confusion. "That's not the worst of it though. No, it comes a year after I first got the headache. We-as in me, Ran, and Sonoko-were walking back home from school when we literally bump into this guy. He was a drug dealer, I could tell, and he was annyoing as hell. He kept yapping about us dirtying his clothes and tried making us pay for it. I was so annoyed I started thinking up ways to shut him up, some permanently. As I got to the 46th way I could murder him with the surrounding items at my disposals, I realized that I really could do it and get away with it too. I started feeling this sadistic glee at the thought of killing him, adrenaline coursing through my body, before I caught myself."

The others were looking at him with horror now. Shinichi desperately avoided eye contact.

"When I realized what I was thinking, feeling, just a second ago, I grabbed Ran's and Sonoko's hand and bolted. I walked them home first before going to a deserted park to have my freak out session in peace. I felt sick to the stomach. I retched at a bush. I felt a little better after emptying my stomach contents but not by much. I could still feel the emotion from earlier vividly. It frightened, terrified, me. For the first time ever, I realized how dangerous I was, how dangerous I still am."

He exhaled his breath heavily.

"I tried imagining if I let go of whatever meager morals I still have left. I shudered because all i could imagine was the sight of blood and rotting bodies, the smell of gunpowder and tangy blood, the sound of horrified screams and crumbling buildings, and mad laughter tickling the back of my throat. I was so scared of becoming a psychopath that I even contemplated suicide at some point." He said nonchalantly. The others gasped disbelivingly at his borderline casual statement.

"But I didn't. Something nagged at me not to do it, telling me not to give up. Maybe it was because I knew how devastated my parents and Ran would be. I didn't want to tell anyone because I was afraid they would reject me. So, I decided something. I decided to at least try first and only when I tried everything and failed only then I would plunge a knife straight to my heart. It was my conviction and I was determined to follow it through to the end. I started by locking away my 'Absolute Prediction' as I called it. It was long and arduous process but I barely managed to do it. The headaches lessen to an unnoticable degree. But I knew that my just locking away my ability won't fix the damage to my psyche from the information overload."

He took a deep breath and continued.

"So I decided on a mindset. All lives are precious and no mortals, for whatever reason, deserve to take away another's life. I chanted it to myself like a mantra. I chanted it before I sleep, after I wake up, during activities. After 3 years straight it worked. I saved animals on the street, classmates being bullied and so on. And then...we went on that plane on New York. On board of the plane someone was murdered. It was the first time someone got killed near me, and it made me feel guilty. After all, if I hadn't locked away my ability, I could have prevented it somehow. But as they say, no use crying over spilt milk. Instead, I stepped up to solve the case. Perhaps it was too late to save the victim, but it's still not too late to catch the murderer. It took longer than it could have been, but I solved it. And, during the case, I had felt an excitement not dissimiliar of the time when I contemplated someone's murder. So, my passion to become a detective was relit and I decided to pursue that career as a way to channel my talent and restlessness."

He sighed, relieved that his little storytelling session was over and done with.

"I...don't know what to say", Hakuba managed to say after a moment of gaping soundlessly.

Shinichi raised an eyebrow, "Really? Because, call me crazy, I could have sworn I heard you say something."

"That's not what I meant", Hakuba facepalmed.

"Then, whatever had you meant O wise one?", He said sarcastically.

The others started giggling and snickering at their banter.

"I'm sorry we didn't notice", Mom and Dad said, suddenly hugging him.

The jovial atmosphere slowly faded.

"It's okay." He said gently.

"Oi, Kudo, don't you dare think even for a second that we're gonna reject you or something like that. We're here to stay." Kuroba said.

He observed the others' face and even without his 'Absolute Prediction' he could tell that the others agreed.

"I know", he said simply, smiling sweetly.

 _(At the back of his mind, he wanted to ask them to kill him if he ever lose his way. But, at the same time, he knew they wouldn't do it no matter what he said. He'll just have to make some preparation of his own to prepare for that eventuality.)_

 _(At the good end route, he ended up not having to use his fail safe and died due to old age surrounded by his children and grandchildren)_

 _(At the bad end route, His fail safe, hypnosis, to lock his ability away when he heard a previously named certain individual ended up being useful. He had injured hundred but thankfully had not killed anyone as of yet. After he bowed deeply and apologised, he raised his gun to his temple and shot himself to death. He died with a smile on his face.)_

THE END?


End file.
